Selfish Tendencies

This last week I read the book ‘Blue like Jazz’. I think one of the things I felt God draw to my attention was these few lines.

“I hear addicts talk about the shakes and panic attacks and the highs and lows of resisting their habit, and to some degree I understand them because I have had habits of my own, but no drug is so powerful as the drug of self. No rut in the mind is so deep as the one that says I am the world, the world belongs to me, all people are characters in my play. There is no addiction so powerful as self-addiction.” Donald Miller

I know that I can be self absorbed. I do things for myself all the time. I think about myself more than anyone else, and sometimes I even think the world around me is mostly about me. I may not actually have those exact thoughts, I may not think I think those things, but when I look at my actions, I see they are saying I think I am more important.
The next line that really made me think was said when Don asked someone how he could continue being so kind and serve others when they kept abusing his servant hood.

“ ‘Don,’ he said ‘If we are not willing to wake up in the morning and die to ourselves, perhaps we should ask ourselves whether or not we are really following Jesus.’ ”

This to me is an interesting way of looking at life. God had been challenging me a bit to help out and serve around the house, and this helped me see it from a new perspective. How can I consider myself a Christian, if I am being selfish all the time? I know I am not perfect, and I wont be able to do everything perfect, but it is something for me to think about. Serving doesn’t come naturally to me most of the time. I have to think about it, or make a conscious choice to step outside myself and do something for someone else. I wish it could be easy, but then it wouldn’t be character building. So God… we’ll just have to wait and see how long it takes me to learn this lesson. I’ll probably be learning how to be selfless until I die.

Unfansy Life

Why do we feel that our lives have to look like we are going somewhere to know that we are going somewhere? My life, to me anyways, doesn't look like I am going anywhere. I work part time at a cafe, and I am involved with my church. At the moment I don't have plans for school. I don't actually know what my future looks like. So what am I planning on doing with my life? Well, whatever it is I am living it for God. Sometimes I wish God would just tell me where I am going, so that I know the 'nothing' that I am doing right now is relevant.
The other night God blessed me with one of those moments where he shows you he is using you, even if it is ever so slightly. One of those moments where he reminds you that, you living for him and being real is often all he really needs. When we do that, he moves. It’s not us that does the work, he just moves through us.
So here I am, living at home, knowing what my next year is probably going to look like. Knowing that God could change it in an instant, but that my just living for him is relevant. My unfancy life is fancy enough for him. In fact, if I tried to make it 'fancy' according to our worldly standards, I would be cheating God.

Changing

Do you ever have those moments when your realise how much you've changed, or maybe not so much changed but become more you? I had one of those moments yesterday. It in a way made me sad.
Sorry, i will explain that last sentence. I was hanging out with some friends from high school last night, as i do every so often. I love them. They are great people. I find that I see a lot of who i am in them. I think that's why i was friends with them in high school. But in high school i wasn't as me. I wasn't not me... i was still becoming me. I still am becoming me. Anyways, as i was sitting there with them, i was having fun, i enjoyed myself very much. I guess, there are just parts of my personality that i have discovered over the last two years that they don't really know, and i don't hangout with them enough for it to come out naturally. I hope that make sense. So in away i was sad because they were missing a part of me that i couldn't just force out.

Why do I like the rain?

I was thinking about this question today,'what do i love so much about the rain?' Because really, it makes you unnecessarily wet, and then you get cold, and then you have to change, or if you're not at home, you have to suffer being damp/wet.

So I was sitting in my friends sun room this afternoon while she was taking a nap thinking about this question. You could hear the rain falling ever so gently. There was also a crispness to the sun room air, as it is cool out. I had to tuck my feet under me to keep them warm, and a peaceful joy was in my spirit, sitting there as i was spending time with God. And i realised that there is something about being outside, being away from the busy city life, being away... in the quietness, that puts my spirit in awe of God. That awakens me to him. I like lieing under the stars, not always because i like looking at them, but for the joy of being outside, in the quiet night air, with him. Its a place I know God is in, in every aspect. I love it. It is in a way unexplainable, i just love it.

Random Midnight Rant

I hate that i can't sleep. I hate that i was so tired and looking forward to my bed and now, all i can do is stare at my ceiling. I hate that tomorrow i have to work an early shift and i can't sleep. I don't like that the music i tried to play to distract my mind so i could sleep didn't work. I don't like that i dream of a life that is to come, or that i wish is to come, but isn't within grasp yet.
Why does my sister get to drive to BC on a road trip with friends. Why can't i? Why do people show me pictures of all the people they have seen as they have traveled the world? I want to meet those people. I want to meet my own people. I want to leave on my adventure, but why does God keep telling me my adventure is here at the moment?
PATIENCE!!!! Why does it have to be so hard sometimes? How can i be content one moment and not the next?....OK i think i will be alright. I am tired and need to go to bed. I can let my dreams go and know that God is guiding them. Its not easy, but i know i can do it.